I had big plans a couple of weeks ago.
I got two days into those plans and things just… fell apart. I’ve been writing this post in response for 4 days. Everything about me feels like failure right now.
I live with the constant uncertainty of multiple sclerosis. After almost 15 years, permanent disability is becoming the certainty. It’s not a matter of when it’s going to happen but a matter of how do I deal with it now that it’s here. And it’s here. I can’t pretend that it’s something that can be treated and thrown back into remission. Every month, I lose something I had or gain a new bullshit deficit I never had before.
This week, I’m back using my walker. Because of Ottawa’s lack of accessible public buildings not owned by the federal government, I won’t be going out anymore during the evening. Not that I had been out very often in recent weeks because I was having a hard time with mobility way before this week.
I have to do a major overhaul of my life. I have to reconsider every plan I had for my life. I have to rethink everything I’ve ever considered doing to make money. I have to figure out if anything really fucking matters anymore. I’ve never really felt like I belonged anywhere and now I’m more aware than ever that there isn’t a place for me in the world I inhabit.
I either have to burn the life I have down to the ground or I need to move on. I don’t know what either of those options look like.
I don’t have a lot going for me and this is the darkest place I’ve been since I destroyed what little peace I had when I moved back to Ontario against my better judgment. That was 10 years ago and I still regret every choice I’ve made since that one. I don’t know where this project is going but I will figure out something eventually, I guess.
Hi Lori. This is Simon. I googled your name, and found this post. I am sorry to hear that you are not doing well. I wish you the best. My email is [moved to form below] if you want to talk. That’s a zero, btw. The font on your reply box doesn’t make that clear.
To Lori’s fans: I’m one of Lori’s exes. and I still care about her, if distantly.
I’m living on Vancouver Island, in Courtney, and taking care of Jennifer, my birth mother, whom you met.
We’re aging: I’m aging, and my eyesight is declining. I recently went through a scare when I thought I was about to go blind, like my grandmother, but it turned out to be another situation, also not good, but better than blindness.
Don’t feel like you need to reply to me if you’d rather not, but if you want to, that’s my address. I’m good either way.
Simon