I had big plans a couple of weeks ago.
I got two days into those plans and things just… fell apart. I’ve been writing this post in response for 4 days. Everything about me feels like failure right now.
I live with the constant uncertainty of multiple sclerosis. After almost 15 years, permanent disability is becoming the certainty. It’s not a matter of when it’s going to happen but a matter of how do I deal with it now that it’s here. And it’s here. I can’t pretend that it’s something that can be treated and thrown back into remission. Every month, I lose something I had or gain a new bullshit deficit I never had before.
This week, I’m back using my walker. Because of Ottawa’s lack of accessible public buildings not owned by the federal government, I won’t be going out anymore during the evening. Not that I had been out very often in recent weeks because I was having a hard time with mobility way before this week.
I have to do a major overhaul of my life. I have to reconsider every plan I had for my life. I have to rethink everything I’ve ever considered doing to make money. I have to figure out if anything really fucking matters anymore. I’ve never really felt like I belonged anywhere and now I’m more aware than ever that there isn’t a place for me in the world I inhabit.
I either have to burn the life I have down to the ground or I need to move on. I don’t know what either of those options look like.
I don’t have a lot going for me and this is the darkest place I’ve been since I destroyed what little peace I had when I moved back to Ontario against my better judgment. That was 10 years ago and I still regret every choice I’ve made since that one. I don’t know where this project is going but I will figure out something eventually, I guess.