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“That was the day my lower back and my left leg just stopped working.

That was the day that my weak back and dead leg contributed to a round of crushing fatigue that made typing and finding the right words, in English, were next to impossible. My fingers tripped over themselves trying to form words and my usual 60+ words a minute fell to 36+ words a minute because my fingers couldn’t find the keys and my half-asleep brain couldn’t tell the difference between here and hear. It is like typing underwater with mittens on.

I never feel as useless in my life as I do on days like those. When I’m fighting aches and fatigue and trying to make it all go back to normal by sheer force of will but nothing, not my brain, not my body, not my nerves, will cooperate under any circumstance. Everything is slow and plodding and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can barely stay awake. I’m too exhausted to even get angry about it.

When I’m too tired to fight, I take breaks. I drink tea and try to distract myself from the discomfort and worry. I think about everything that isn’t going wrong and everything that is working. I log my symptoms because it’s important for my neurologist to know the day that my back and leg stopped working for no reason. Except there is a reason. That reason is multiple sclerosis and it is a reason no matter how irrationally or unpredictably it acts. I don’t want it to be a reason because it feels like an excuse for not living.”

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