“…I remember that I love(d) you. How do I show the reader that I loved you so much I didn’t know how to tell you or how to convince you to stay until we got old, when I only have like 18 minutes of memories of you and documentary evidence that I would love you for a million years but wouldn’t try to make you stay?
My sentences are too long but I write how I think and they all roll together in a stream of I wasn’t quite conscious enough to make note of the event fully and for the permanent record. You can’t have a memory when there was no one there to make a report. You can’t have a memory when your brain decides that everything that is happening right now is just too fucked up and painful so we’re just going to pretend this thing never happened until it wakes you up at 3 a.m. in a cold sweat without context or reason…”