“…I didn’t want to marry you, settle down and have your babies. I wanted you to love me. I wanted you to see my humanity. I wanted you to fucking care if I lived or died. I wanted you to tell me that I was worth more alive than dead. I wanted you to let me love you without it being the worst fucking thing that happened to you…
I may have only wanted you because you wanted me. I may have only loved you because you didn’t treat me like a dirty secret. I may have only loved you because you let me share your bottle of Jack Daniels while we sang songs by and for rednecks. You meant something because I showed up at your door crying or horny and that’s like Nice Guy catnip and you took me in. You meant something because I would do that thing you liked and in return, you would do that thing I like. I would’ve kept showing up for you until it no longer made sense to do so. Which is why, I guess, I no longer show up for you…
…The reality of now is that I’m not the person you knew then and I will never be again. I can’t explain to you that I’m married to someone who holds up the sky for me and I will love until the end of time but I also want to have other relationships because putting all of the needs I have to be filled by just one person is setting him up to fail. That’s not fair to him. And it’s unreasonable for me to expect that my spouse can be my lover/my best friend/my casual acquaintance/my business partner/my shopping buddy/my playoff-hockey-watching friend/my concert-and-movie going friend/my stunt cock/my mani-pedi and coffee date friend/my intimate secret holder and be the one that I share a lease, a joint bank account, and several insurance policies with.
I have too much extroverted need to lay at the feet of one person. It was in figuring out that I loved you and tried to make you one or many of those things that I realized that I can’t be all those things for my spouse either. Twenty years of working for the man, and two years of community college, in particular, showed me that I can’t be close to people I don’t like, even when in the close quarters of forced interactions. And when I like someone more than the others, I have to remind myself that I can’t lay all my fucked up need for validation through intimacy at the feet of people whose brains aren’t broken like mine.”