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“What if I’m not getting better fast enough? What if I am fighting the change I seek? How am I holding myself back and sabotaging my own progress? Why is something that’s supposed to be so fucking good for me inspiring long periods of fear, self-loathing and negativity? I don’t think meditation is as advertised. After a year of haphazard practice, I’m pretty sure that I can find better and more productive ways to feel inadequate about my mental health.

I can feel the judgment from here.

With most things spiritual or “internal maintenance” the only possible answer is that I can’t be doing it right. I’m not trying hard enough. I haven’t given it enough time or effort. Obviously, I’m doing it wrong because I “should” be getting great benefit from it.

It’s the practitioner, not the practice. I’m failing the experience by not being or doing something right. And what that something is, well… I don’t know.

Keep trying is the answer because the truth of it is, no one knows why some people get love, light and enlightenment out of mindfulness and why others get anxiety, nightmares and facial tics. No one can tell me why I start obsessing about wasting time when I attempt to empty my mind. No one can tell me why the dead nerves in my fingers and toes start to twitch when I attempt a moment of inner silence. No one can tell me why after short periods of stillness, I sometimes start visualizing putting a handgun I have never owned into my mouth.”

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