“I’ve done a terrible job of telling this story. What I wanted to tell you, what I needed you to know, is that relationships are hard and they’re made more difficult when you’re in them with people with little sense of reciprocity and share no common goals with you. I wanted to tell you that your relationships are not an accounting of your worth as a human being. Your relationships are a commentary on what you thought of yourself at the time. That’s not how it’s coming out, though. It’s nonsense and blargh on most days. I have wasted pixels on so many useless words. I’ve forgotten that the most important thing is to tell the story. It’s not my job to preach a solution. It’s my job to tell you where I’ve been and I lived.
I haven’t lived to see the glory of victory. I haven’t triumphed despite great odds. I still think about jumping every time the world is more than 20 feet beneath me. I am miserable most days. I grudgingly accept that I can’t afford to drink myself to death. I’m terrified of bankruptcy and homelessness much more than I was in my twenties. I own too many things for my comfort. My apartment is less clean and organized than I would like. I lack discipline in several key areas of my life; following through on what I want to do, following through on what I should do but I don’t really care about, and doing whatever it takes to stay healthy.