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“I really, really, desperately wanted to die. I could not form the plot to do it because there was only one thing worse than living. Failing to kill myself, especially if the attempt would leave me disabled.

When I was a kid, I met someone who had tried to kill himself by jumping off a balcony. He landed feet first, leaving him alive but paraplegic and permanently brain damaged. He was kept alive by his family in a conspiracy with the universe to keep me from throwing myself off the roof or out the second-floor window. After failed attempts with pills and hanging that left me without lasting damage, I could not bear the idea that I would live if I failed again. I could not fathom how I would go on if I wanted to die so badly and I would not be able to try again. I think about jumping every time I’m on a rooftop patio or apartment balcony. I remember that guy, I think his name was Robbie, every time I think of jumping.”

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