“I hate fighting. I hate dealing with people who believe there are situations and conditions where it’s appropriate, or just tolerable, to dehumanize a person. I can’t argue with someone who can’t respect my humanity unless I recognize first their authority. The vomit rises in the throat in that second when you realize that if you don’t smile and nod in agreement you will be threatened at best and harmed at worst. Appease. Compliment. Laugh. Stay unharmed and leave.
There are fights I’m not willing to pick. There are fights that people want to have that hurt me like I have a full-grown person standing on my chest. There are times where simply wanting to use my words triggers the 180 lb weight on my body. Wanting to say, “I don’t like that”, “Please stop”, “I need for you to do this” sets my heart pounding and my palms sweating because the last thing I want to do is cause offense or put you on the defensive. I realize in those moments that my fragility is off-putting and inconvenient. I am aware of nothing else but my failure to live up to (y)our expectations.”